By Elvis

Capt. Tom invited us over to his ship for dinner. Astro and Smitty decided they didn't want tacos so they stayed on the Polaris. Capt. Tom has a really nice ship. It might look old on the outside but it's slick on the inside. I wonder how old it really is. Anyway, I'm curious to see how a skunk eats a taco.

"M. LePew, we will be changing our orbit soon so I can beam you down to the bridge in Virginia. I expect you to do great things there."

"Of course, Capt. Tom. I promise you people from all over the world will know about the bridge. "

"Mr. LePew, I assume you've been successful at this kind of thing. I always had people like Colonel Tom helping me out. I don't think he's any relation to Capt. Tom."

"Capt. Elvis, I am confidant I can do it. After all, I have done many things. I was with Capt. Cook on his last voyage. I discovered the Northwest Passage. "

"That's so amazing. What else have you discovered, sweetie?"

"M. LePew, I think you are mistaken. Capt. Cook never found the Northwest Passage."

"Of course I am not surprised that you think so. It was kept a secret. Only I and a few others have been aware of it. "

"Even so, I think I would have known. I suppose it's possible."

"Tell them about America, Donnie."

"I don't like to boast. If you insist, I was in America several years ago. Of course it was still part of the empire at that time. It so happens that I wrote the Declaration of Independence."

"M. LePew, once again I think you must be mistaken. It is widely known that I wrote the Declaration of Independence."

"Excuse moi, Capt. Tom. Again, I must say you are mis-informed. I was there on July 4, 1776. I think I would know if I wrote it or not. I remember seeing you there but I don't believe you can say that you wrote it."

"M. LePew, I believe you have your dates confused. It was written on July 2nd. It was only released to the public on July 4th. You may have been there on the 4th, but it was already done by then."

"Capt. Tom. I beg to differ. It is possible that I am confused about the dates. It was so long ago. Of course, I did not sign it, I was simply employed as a ghost writer, as they say."

"M. LePew, I do not remember seeing you there. You are so small, I suppose it's possible that I missed you."

This little skunk was starting to get on my nerves. I'm no history scholar but everybody knows that Thomas Jefferson wrote the Declaration of Independence. I don't know if Capt. Tom was just being nice or if he was really buying this story. He must be over 250 years old by now. We'd also had a few shots of Jack and Capt. Tom had some killer sherry. Maybe he was a little too mellowed out.

"Mr. LePew, next you are going to tell us that you crossed the Delaware River with George Washington."

"Capt. Elvis, now that you mention it, of course I was there. I planned the attack on the Hessians and I was on the first boat across the river."

"Capt. Tom, would you mind if I put this skunk in an airlock and space him?"

"Perhaps you've had too much sherry Capt. Elvis. Let us all calm down a little."

"You leave him alone. What is your problem?"

"What is that smell?"

"Oh, excuse moi. I could not help it. This man threatened me and I just reacted naturally."

"Don't worry, I will clean him up. Let me just go get a towel. Do you have any air freshener?"

By this time I was in a hurry to get out of there and back to the Polaris. I've smelled plenty of skunks in the woods when I was a kid and it's not very enjoyable. I can try to explain how a skunk eats a taco. His arms aren't long enough to hold it up to his mouth so he kind of sits on it on top of the table and munches on it that way. I still can't figure out how this smelly little taco seller is going to help Capt. Tom with his bridge. I must be missing something. Capt. Tom must have been embarassed about how dinner went. He gave me a nice plant he said he invented himself in a cool looking planter to take back to the Polaris with me. 

By Elvis

We're still in orbit over Paris in 1789 and Capt. Tom has beamed up a couple friends of his - Don LePew and Miss Fangirl - because he thinks they can help him with a bridge he owns in Virginia. Don LePew is the first talking skunk I've ever seen. I wonder how many of them are around.

"Capt. Elvis, I hate to admit it but I haven't been happy with how my bridge in Virginia has turned out over time. I hope that it will yet be a famous place that will draw the attention of the world. I need to try a new approach."

"If you want to draw the attention of the world why not try adding some accommodations for guests?"

"I may yet do that but for now I think I will let M. Don LePew manage it and we will intoduce a wonderful new French cuisine there. I'll let him explain it to you."

"Merci, Capt. Tom. I will do my best. Of course, you are reffering to my new recipe. First, I make le pain plat de mais. Then I add some boeuf hache. Le boeuf must be, how do you say, smashed up really good into little tiny pieces."

"What's he talking about?"

"Flat corn bread, ground beef."

"I sautee the boeuf until it is fully cooked - bien fait. Then, the peice de resistance! My sauce secrete. I will never tell how I make it so don't bother to ask! Then, the finishing touch - le touche finale - the garnish. It can be very simple or very fancy. I can make many different styles. Sometimes, just le tomato and lettuce, maybe some formage d'orange. Voila, let me show you."

"Oooh, he's just so smart. I just love it when he does that. Don, baby, whisper some sweet nothings to me."

"I knew it was going to be a taco."

"Looks like a pretty good one.

M. LePew, I've never seen anything like it. Do you you have some you can send over to us?"

"We will make some for dinner. Maybe you can come over?

What is that smell?

What is that on my shoes?"

"Oh, excuse moi! I am so sorry, Capt. Tom. I have ben so long away from my leeter box, I could not help myself."

"Don't worry, I will clean it up. It wasn't his fault. He's really very sweet."

"M. Lepew, please be more careful. I have a playground on the deck below. You may use the sandbox in the future."

"The taco originates in Mexico, not France. This could be a time anomaly event if he takes it to Earth."

"You mean this is one of those things that could change the future?"

"We don't know everything that comes after this event. Maybe the taco originally comes from France but was never recorded in history until it showed up in Mexico."

"We have to figure this out. How much do we know about Mexican food?"

Looks like we have a possible time conundrum here. I just knew something like this was going to happen. This was the whole reason I wanted to go back in time with Capt. Tom Jefferson. At least I had a chance to see the birth of the taco. I don't know about this Don LePew guy. He's a real scream. Better than anything I've got in my Netflix queue. I'm a bit surprised Jefferson has a playground on his ship. Might not be a bad idea. I'll have to look into getting one for myself. Now I have to get ready to go over to there for dinner. I hope they like Jack Daniels.

By Elvis

We decided to go back in time with Capt. Tom to 1789. I'm not sure what he's up to, he just said he had some unfinished business. We didn't want to take a chance on him changing the future like they're always worried about on Star Trek so we had to go with him to make sure we didn't disappear in smoke. The trip through the temporal vortex was pretty smooth and we arrived here without much trouble.

"Our GPS still knows where we are. A few hundred years dosn't seem to matter too much."

"Got our location, we're in geosynchronous orbit over France."

"Capt. Tom, my congratulations, that a smooth trip. What happens now?"

"Thank you. I've ben doing this for a long time. I'm planning to beam up somebody who I hope can help me out with a bridge I purchased. It's a natural arch geologic formation, in Virginia."

"You mean a natural bridge? I've been to a couple of them. There's one in Kentucky, I walked over that one. We have a picture in our database."

"That's a good one. The first one I saw was in France at Pont D'Arc. Have a look. I thought I would like to have one, maybe collect them so I checked around to see if any were for sale."

"As it turned out, I was only able to buy this one in Virginia."

"Very nice. I've never been there but I went to Rainbow Bridge on Mars with Jimi."

"That one's new to me. Give me the co-ordinates and I'll take a look some day. It's not as nice as the one in Virginia. That one is the most sublime of nature's works."

"There's something funny about the dates. He said he was in France in the late 1880's but he bought that bridge in 1774. How could he have seen Pont D'Arc first?"

"I hate this time travel stuff, it gives me a headache. Is there more Budweiser in the fridge?

Capt. Tom, how could you have bought that bridge after you were in France?"

"I was in France first, then I went back in time to 1774. That's when King George decided he wanted to sell it. Anyway, 20 shillings was all I could afford in those days. I'm not exactly rich even today, never used my time traveling abilities to game the system. If I had I could have afforded to make a better movie than this."

"If I had known you were making a movie maybe I could have been in it. It would have gotten you some more at the box office."

"It wasn't my best artistic achievement. I got better at it. I'll bet you didn't know that I was the one who originally came up with Star Wars.

I've just beamed up my friends from Paris, let me introduce them. Here is Don LePew and his friend Miss Fangirl."

"I'm so pleased to meet you Monsieur Capt. Elvis."

"Is that a talking skunk?"

This is what you've gotta love about traveling in space and time. I could never have imagined that I'd be sitting here in 1789 in Earth orbit, talking to a skunk. Now I've got to get something for my headache and at least another Budweiser.

Available graphics from this episode:

W P Snyder sketch, Natural Bridge Virginia, approx 8x10 inches

W H Bartlett sketch, Natural Bridge Virginia, approx 8x10 inches

By Elvis

We were just minding our own business here in Earth orbit when we were surprised by a sudden space distortion. Then poof, Thomas Jefferson pops out in his space ship. Astro thinks it was a temporal distortion event. Then she tells me that Founding Fathers have special powers. I don't know what that means but I have to find out.

"My intentions are to have a little visit with my descendants at the secret underground base at Foamhenge. Then I have to go back to 1789. I have some unfinished business to conduct."

"He's traveling in time. I wonder what else he can do."

"Mr. Jefferson, how can you just pop in and out of time?"

"Please call me Captain Tom. It's just something I can do. I can travel to whenever or wherever I want. When I'm done here I'm going back to 1789 and I may never return to this exact time again."

"I've seen this kind of thing on Star Trek. What if he goes back and changes something? Wouldn't that mess up the future?"

"We were stuck in the past last year but I don't think we messed up the future. Out where we were you can't tell the past from the future anyway."

"Capt. Tom, what if you go back to 1789 and change history? I have a hard time understanding this time travel stuff. I mean, is it possible that you could do something that would change the moment we're in right now? Could we just disappear in smoke for example?"

"Capt. Elvis, I don't think you have to worry about that. I've been doing this a long time and it's hardly ever happened."

"Hardly ever? How many times is hardly ever?"

"Only a couple, wait, maybe a few times. Don't worry, the odds of you disappearing in smoke are very small. If you'll just let me get on with my business I'll soon pop away from here and you can get back to doing whatever it was you were doing."

"Actually I was getting ready to sell some souvenir autographed pictures on Ebay. I've got a sample if you want to buy one. I'm a little worried about your time traveling. I don't want to take any chances with my existence. Is there any way to make 100% sure you don't change history?"

"Maybe there's one way. If you travel with me to 1789 that should at least guarantee that you're still around in this timeline even if I do make a mistake. Of course, I''d think that the odds of you doing something that changes history are much greater than the odds of me doing something."

"Astro, if we go into the past again, can we get back on our own? I don't know how much we can depend on this guy. He sounds a little flaky."

"I think we can do it using the calculations we learned from Capt. Earhart.  We'd have to exit the solar system first and then find the same co-ordinates we used last time to re-enter. I think it will work."

"Capt. Tom, we'll accept your offer and travel back to 1789 with you."

"Fine. Give me about 24 hrours to visit with my descendants, then we'll leave."

Well this is a little detour we hadn't planned on. I hope Capt. Tom knows what he's doing. We should have enough supplies to last a while. I'd hate to have to find soft toilet paper and canned enchiladas in 1789. I wonder what they did about toilet paper in those days. I've never seen anything about it in a movie. At least beer and whiskey shouldn't be a problem. Might even be better than what I'm getting now.

By Elvis

We're still here in Earth orbit talking to an alien called Capt. Snowman. I checked out one of the souvenir photos he's been selling on Ebay. I could use a little extra cash too so I'm thinking about doing the same thing. If he can get $10,000 a picture I should be able to get a lot more.

"It's not as easy as it sounds. I've got 100% a positive seller rating. Took a lot of work to establish that. You'll have to put a lot of time and effort into it.

Wait a minute, my instruments are picking something up behind you. It's some kind of space distortion."

"You can't fool me with that trick. I've seen all those old westerns on TV."

"Something appearing behind us. Instruments are off the scale."

"Best guess is that it's some kind of temporal vortex, a time distortion event."

"Force field up, crank up the Death Ray."

"There's an object coming through. I've got it up on the big TV."

"Force field up, Death Ray charged. I've got a target lock."

"Trying to get them on the radio. The distortion is fading, returning to normal space."

"What kind of ship is that? Smitty, I think I've seen something like that in an Errol Flynn movie. I didn't know he was in space."

"Got him on the radio, he's up on the screen."

"Identify yourselves. This is Captain Thomas Jefferson."

"What? I've got a Mt. Rushmore souvenir statue in my room. You don't look anything like the Thomas Jefferson face on that. "

"What about now? Is this face closer?"

"Not really, how'd you do that? Is that some kind of mask? "

"Sir, it is not a mask. Do you like this face better? I told you. I'm Captain Thomas Jefferson. I'm a Founding Father. Who are you?"

"This face confirms Thomas Jefferson in our facial recognition database. He really is a Founding Father. That explains the distortion. Founding Fathers have special powers."

"You mean like Superman? Are we in trouble?

Capt. Jefferson, this is Capt. Elvis from Planet Zero in the Invisible Galaxy. What are your intentions?"

This is turning out to be something to think about. If this guy has special powers I guess he could blast us out of the sky if he wanted. No question this is one of the craziest things that's happened to us. Maybe not as crazy as meeting Santa Claus in the 11th dimension but it ranks right up there.