By Propaganda Minister

Folks, I was totally devastated about losing the USA presidential election. It looked like it was in the bag, I don't know what happened. I was in such a bad state that I have to have my whole brain re-wired when I returned to Planet Zero.

Sorry to have been incapacitated for so long but my brain damage was very severe. Just took a while to get straightened out. Season 2.5 of the Adventures of Elvis Across the Universe will be starting soon. Let me get you up to date on where Elvis is at.

Season 1 ended with a big space battle at Gliese 581g. The battle was inconclusive. Elvis' ship was damaged and he decided to go to Earth for repairs and re-supply.  Season 2 starts with Evis traveling towards Earth with Sergeant Saunders and his Goa'uld ship.  They are surprised to find a Lockheed Electra 10E on the outskirts of Earth's solar system. Even more surprising, they find Amelia Earhart is the pilot and she's still alive.

Elvis is still stuck in the past and Capt. Earhart tells him she can get him back to his correct time line. Elvis and Sarge follow her through a time/space distortion. Sarge returns to 1945 and Elvis and Capt. Earhart return to the present - 2012 at that time.

Soon after returning to Earth & entering Earth orbit they spot a KFC sign on the surface, order some fried chicken and beam it up to the ship. Capt. Earhart leaves them to go do some shopping. Elvis contacts his secret underground base at Foamhenge.

They repair the ship and start re-stocking supplies. Soft toilet paper and canned enchiladas are crucial items in order to prepare for the return trip to Planet Zero in the Invisible Galaxy. Oh, of course beer and whiskey supplies had to replenished as well.

As they are almost done on Earth and getting ready to leave the nearby area is attacked by aliens from Earth orbit. Elvis launches his ship to confront the aliens in orbit.

By Elvis

We're still here at our secret underground base at Foamhenge. While we were getting supplies and repairing our ship some alien ship in orbit made an attack on Earth near our location. Obviously, we're getting ready to blast off and engage the enemy but first I had to make sure my canned enchiladas and Cottonelle were on board.

 "Capt. Elvis, we put all your supplies on the ship, you're ready to go. We're opening the blast off doors now. Don't forget to turn on your cloaking field."

"Thanks, Colonel. We're powering up the engine now. Astro, are we ready to boogie out of here?"

"Engines at 100%, force field set for cloaking, brakes off, now we're rolling."

"Alien ship is still in orbit, we're on intercept course."

"Let's get that death ray charged. I don't want to waste any time playing around with this ship. We've got visual, is the target locked?"

"Target has not altered course. Death ray charged, ready to fire."

"I've got them on the radio. He's asking if we have his money. He's up on the big TV."

"You're late. You owe me 100 million dollars and I want it now or else I'll fire on the surface again. Beam it over."

"This is Capt. Elvis. If you fire again, I'll blast you back to the stone age. What are you talking about?"

"I made a deal with the United States of Americus or something like that. They hired me to make a fake attack on them. I'm pretty sure I filled in all the right forms. I even got a social security number. So I did it and they didn't pay up. So then I made a real attack. At least I got 50% in advance."

"Ok, I got it. What if I can talk to somebody and get your money? Will you go back where you came from?"

"I've got some other business going on so I think I'll stay here a while. I'm selling some souvenirs on Ebay. I'm doing signed pictures of me and the tourists in the Himalayas. They call me Captain Snowman. I usually wait for a bid around $10,000 but since you're here now I'll give you a discount."

"Let me see one. I might have something to trade. I'm a little low on cash."

"He sent us a picture, it's up on the screen."

By just call me P-Min

I'm still here on Mars with many of my constituents. We're almost done putting the finishing touches on my policies and marketing plan. I won't be attending the debates this week. I'm far ahead of the other candidates in the polls and I'll let them fight it out over trivial differences in their positions. We all have a pretty good idea what will be said, we've seen it all before.

As usual, I have a totally different idea to help the voters decide which candidate to support. Instead of doing the debate thing, I suggest a series of challenges. I invite my two closest rivals in the polls to join me. The candidates will be put into unfamiliar and unusual situations to test different aspects of their personalities. We will face different types of pressure and maybe some will crack under the stress.

I admit that I have been practicing but I think it's only fair. Until I arrived here on Mars I had been living on Planet Zero for many years. None of these activities are commonplace there so I had to familiarize myself with them. I don't think I will have an unfair advantage even though I have practiced and the others haven't.

There will be 3 challenges. The first will be a drag race in funny cars at Charlotte Motor Speedway, running four wide. Since there will be me and two other candidates, that leaves a lane open. The three of us will race against a pro, Courtney Force. Final top speed could reach 315 mph.

Challenge 1: Drag race against Courtney Force

Key factors:

Tests overall physical condition of candidates.

Bravery factor - can we handle 300+ mph

Can candidates deal with losing to a girl

The next challenge will test other personality characteristics. We will take turns singing a duet of Phantom of the Opera with Tarja Turunen. This will test our artistic temperament and ability to carry a tune. I expect all of us will fail miserably at this challenge. Also, the audience will be provided with fruit and vegetables to throw at us if we are really bad.

Challenge 2: Sing duet of Phantom of the Opera with Tarja Turunen

Key factors:

Ability to handle public humiliation

Can candidates sing and dodge projectiles at the same time

Will candidates throw things back at the audience

The final challenge will be a candidates only game of Texas Hold-Em in Las Vegas. This will primarily test how we handle psychological stress. We will each start with 100 bars of Newman's Own 70% dark chocolate. There will be only one final winner who will end up with all 300 bars. The other candidates will end up with nothing. As with most poker games, alcohol will be freely available.

Challenge 3: Texas Hold-Em

Key factors:

Bluffing - are some candidates too good at it, maybe they're natural liars

Greed - how bad do they want all the chocolate

Losing - are candidates graceful losers or do they drink too much and become spiteful and violent

I think these challenges will reveal more about the candidates than any number of debates. Voters will know who is the best person for the job. Time to check the polls again. As I expected, my clarification of my economic policy gave me another boost in the polls. I now have a comfortable lead with only about a month to go. It's been a long, hard road but it's almost over.

Today was another tiring day. Once again, we will be heading to the ballroom of our Martian facility for an evening's entertainment. Nico has recently popped up here on Mars and she will be playing for us tonight. I know some people have always thought she was from another planet but I don't think this is true. After careful observation I am convinced that she is either from an undiscovered dimension or some alternate universe.

Videos in this episode:

Nico - My Funny Valentine - Live in Tokyo - April 1986 - on YouTube

Nico - Das Lied Von Einsanen Madchens - Live in Tokyo - April 1986 - on YouTube

By Elvis

We've landed here at our secret undergound base at Foamhenge. We need to get our ship repaired and pick up some supplies for the trip home to Planet Zero in the Invisible Galaxy. Our greatest need after beer & whiskey is toilet paper. Not the scratchy cheap stuff but the really soft type. We had to talk to some nutty girl named Teejay and I don't know if she understands what we're telling her.

I guess you think it's strange the kind of things we need most. After all, they don't ever talk about bathroom facilities on the Enterprise. I think it's against their rules. What kind of bathrooms do you think they have? Does everbody have a private bath? Just the officers? I don't know because I've never seen them. Bathrooms can tell you a lot about a civilization. Cuts through all the BS and you can see exactly how advanced they are. Every time we see a new alien race on TV why don't they just show us their bathrooms? It would save a lot of time. We'd know right where they stand. I mean, do you think the Klingons have bathrooms as nice as the Federation? I wouldn't think so either but we've never seen either of them so how can we be sure?

 "Tomorrow comes the dawn and the sun shall rise in the south. The flowers lean to the west but only in case of rain. Many days and nights will pass yet every day will come a new dawn."

"Teejay, Teejay, hold on a minute. Is there anybody else there we can talk to?"

 "Capt. Elvis, this is Colonel George. I see you've been talking to my daughter. We're getting your supplies together. Had to send a pickup out to Sam's Club to load up on your Cottonelle. I've already got your beer here in the fridge. Want us to send it aboard?"

"That would be real kind of you George. I'd appreciate that. We need to get fueled up for take off."

"I''m tracking an unknown ship in orbit, it came up on us fast."

"Unknown origin, unknown configuration. They're charging weapons. Smitty has it up on the screen."

"Colonel George, we have to get out of here and engage that ship. Get us loaded up, whatever you've got."

 "Capt. Elvis, don't worry. It's propbably a fake attack. The government has been staging false alien invasions to boost the economy. We'll start getting your supplies loaded anyway, just in case."

"Alien ship is firing. Looks like energy weapons, very strong. I don't think it's a joke."

"Impact in 3 seconds. They're heading our way, could they be targeting us?"

3 seconds was about right. We heard the explosions and the ground was shaking. This was looking like the real thing. I don't know why they would be after us so it must be just another invasion of Earth. They've had enough of them in just the last few years. First it was the Vs, then the Falling Skies aliens. Who could it be this time?

"I've got minor earthquake readings, low magnitude. Electricity is out over a wide area. Fires within half a mile of our location."

 "Capt. Elvis, I'm monitoring the fires. I can send you my video feed."

"Ok everybody, let's get prepared for take off. We've got more aliens to chase. There's a couple things I've got to wait for. I'm not leaving without my canned enchiladas and Cottonelle."

By just call me P-Min

I promised I would finish explaining my economic policy after I named my VP running mate so now's the time.  As you may recall, I am using the Star Trek economic model where everybody can do what they want and everything they need is provided for them. This will be quite expensive so we have to figure out where we'll get all the resources to fund it.

I'm going to start by confirming my space exploration policy of developing a faster than light space travel program within the first 2 years of my term as president. We're going to find the resources on other planets. This is a two part program. First, we need to find natural resources that can be extracted and returned to us in the United States. Second, we need to find a low budget work force for manufacturing. It would be similar to the strategy that corporations like Apple pursue by assembling their products in China. Unfortunately there is nowhere left on Earth to utilize truly cheap labor. We have to find some alien civilization on another planet that we can take advantage of. You may be thinking that this would be like establishing an American Empire in space and I don't deny it. However, if we want to enjoy our luxuries we have to get our riches from somewhere.

I would like to contrast my economic plan with a plan proposed by a prominent American economist. I have not run a negative campaign and I don't plan to start one but I would simply like to explain why my plan is superior. Paul Krugman has proposed that in order to boost the economy we should invent an imitation alien invasion of Earth. There is video of this plan on YouTube. I don't think this is a good plan. For example, what if you make a deal with an alien civilization to imitate an invasion of Earth and they decide it's a good time to do a real attack because there will no defenses? There's just too many things that could go wrong.

Rather than being the invade-ee, I would prefer to be the invader. Also, Paul's plan wouldn't produce a profit, it would indeed generate a net loss. My plan, though requiring investment in building spaceships, will clearly genreate great profit once we secure the natural resources and alien workforce. I can anticipate some objections to my plan. Keep in mind that we are not talking about equivalent planets to Earth. Essentially we would just be mining some big rocks in space for materials and whatever civilizations we may take advantage of won't have the same moral sensibilities as humans. They're fair game. If we don't exploit them, somebody else will. Just like building iPhones in China. So it's simply a practical solution.

There's been a favourable response to my VP candidate Nikita, as I predicted. This has given me another boost in the polls. I think I can go over the 50% mark very soon. There's still a long way to go and I have to be careful not to squander my position by saying something stupid. I just have to trust my staff and my own good judgement and I should win this election easily.

After another day of hard work it's time to take in ths evening's entertainent in the ballroom of our Martian facility. Tonight we'll have en extraterrestial entertainer. Lene Lovich has never told us what planet she's from, we just have to figure it out for ourselves.

Videos in this episode:

Lene Lovich - Bird Song - 1979 - on YouTube

Lene Lovich - Home - At Paradiso Amsterdam - From the movie Cha-Cha (Netherlands) - 1979 - on YouTube