By Propaganda Minister

It's holiday season in the Invisible Galaxy.  That means it's very hard to get any work done because all the inhabitants are woried about making their holiday plans. One of our greatest traditions is doing software updates. The Adventures of Elvis Across the Universe will continue after the holidays.

By Elvis

We've returned to 2013 to try and sell Capt. Tom's chamber pot. He had borrowed some money from Blackbeard to do some improvements to his natural bridge in Virginia. Unfortunately, the skunk, M. Don LePew, who is managing the place has spent all the money and Capt. Tom can't pay back the loan from Blackbeard.

We need to get around $5 million to help out Capt. Tom. The idea is to sell the chamber pot on Ebay. We haven't had much luck so far. Highest bids have been around $500. So we're in quite a bad spot. Astro has found somebody on Earth who might be able to help us out. I don't know the guy but he thinks he knows me. Let's see what happens.

"I can't figure out exactly what this guy does. He says he can sell anything."

"I've got him on the phone, he's up on the big TV."

"Capt. Elvis, Randy Russo here, Where ya been? Haven't seen you in a while. So you've got something to sell?"

"Oh, sure. Randy Russo. From Alabama."

"Don't worry about that. What do you want to sell?"

"I've got a chamber pot that belonged to Thomas Jefferson. Comes with a letter of provenance. Absolutely clean chain of ownership. Straight from him to me."

"That's quite a piece. I can see that you've really got 3 things to sell. You've got the pot, the cover, and the letter. I think we can get more money if we offer them separately. So if somebody wants the whole package we sell them 3 items instead of 1. How much are you looking to get?"

"I'm ready to try just about anything. I need to get around $5 million."

"Whoa. You say it belonged to Thomas Jefferson? Maybe you could get that kind of money if it belonged to Justin Bieber. Jefferson hasn't been around for a long time. People forgot about him. What was his last hit single?"

"He wasn't a singer, I was a singer."

"Sorry. So what was his last hit movie? Wasn't he in The Fast and the Furious?"

"You must be thinking of Jordana Brewster. Jefferson was the third president."

"Right, he was a politician, I remember now. I've been wanting to get into politics. That's where the really big money is these days."

"So how close can we get to $5 million if we sell the pot in 3 parts?"

"If we sell that chamber pot in 3 parts I think I can get about $10,000 total for it. Of course I get an outrageous commission. Forget about $5 million. What are doing these days? Maybe we can make a movie. It'd be really big."

"I've been living on Planet Zero in the Invisible Galaxy. The last couple years I've been traveling the universe in the Polaris with my crew."

"Those girls are your crew? This will be easy. Elvis Returns From Outer Space. We can make it a romantic comedy, a love triangle. You can release a soundtrack album. Got some new songs?"

"I've got a song called Jefferson Has Bridge. You can listen to it on Soundcloud, I'll send you the link."

"Great, great. I'm sure I'll like it. We've got to do this fast. I'll make a video for it and post it on Youtube. After a couple days we should get a big advance from a major label. I'm sending you a contract. Just get it right back to me and we'll be in business."

"I've got the contract."

"I want to have a look at it. What about me and Smitty? We need to get something out of this. I haven't acted for a while but I could get back into it pretty easy."

"Wait a minute. I'm not playing the jilted paramour who meets a tragic demise. I want to be the one who lives happily ever after."

"He says it's a comedy. Nobody has to descend into morass of depression and self loathing. Why can't it end happily for everybody?"

"You've been watching too many of those Lifetime channel movies."

"Astro, make sure I get final script approval in the contract. And I want a piece of the backend. How about you both get control of the international rights? That should cover us pretty well. Don't worry, I'll make sure the script is a wholesome, family friendly story. We're not doing any of that R rated stuff, it has to be PG."

It looks like we'll be negotiating a contract with this Randy Russo guy for a while. Seems that the only way to get enough money for Capt. Tom is to do a movie and music deal. I don't think the chamber pot is valuable enough. Maybe we'll keep it.

Media associated with this episode:

Jefferson Has Bridge by Jim Straynge on Soundcloud

Natural Bridge Virginia, Vintage Post Card

Natural Bridge Virginia, Older Vintage Post Card

By Elvis

We're still orbiting Earth over Capt. Tom's natural bridge in Virignia. He was checking up on the skunk, Don LePew, who is managing the place for him. Capt. Tom wanted the skunk to take care of building a hotel there. It's just about done but as usual the skunk has spent too much money and needs more funds to finish the project.

Then we picked up another ship approaching. Astro says it's Blackbeard's ship, the Queen Anne's Revenge. Well this was quite a surprise and now we have to find out what he wants. I almost forgot to mention that we're not real sure what year we're in or even what universe.

"They're firing across the bow of Capt. Tom's ship."

"I guess he's not the kind of pirate that does a song and dance routine. Get the force field up, charge the death ray."

"They're maneuvering for a broadsides at Capt. Tom's ship."

"Capt. Tom, we have the ship targeted, we're ready to fire."

"Capt. Elvis, hold your fire. I know why he's here. Remember I said I had made financial arrangements to fund the hotel at the bridge? Well I had to take out a loan from Blackbeard. I suppose he wants some payment. I've just got him on the radio."

"Ahoy there, Tom old matey. Just thought I'd stop by to say hi. I've been keeping an eye on that bridge of yours. Counting the visitors, you know, just to make sure everything's good. Sorry to say I've been disappointed. It's not doing the numbers you promised. Your buddy the skunk is spending money like a drunken sailor. If I were you, I'd consider a change in management."

"So nice to see you again, Capt. Blackbeard. I have to admit that my bridge isn't quite doing as well as I expected. I assure you, things will work out. M. LePew is the most qualified person to be managing this place and once the hotel is finished, people from all over the world will be coming there to enjoy the bridge."

"Suit yourself, it's your money. I've hacked into your accounting system and I know that you've been suffering significant losses. You don't want to hear this but I'm here demanding the payment of the loan."

"I don't have the cash on hand at the moment. I can have it for you in about a month."

"You've got your month. By the way, I don't take cash. My payment has to be in gold, chocolate, or bitcoins. If the funds are not in my ship in a month I swear I will follow you to the end of time and get my pound of flesh."

"Capt. Tom, I can still blast him out of the sky. Should I fire?"

"No. He's very powerful. He has scavenged advanced alien technology. He is capable of following me into to any timeline. I have to find a way to come up with the payment."

"I have an idea. That planter you gave me is really one of your chamber pots, right?"

"Why, yes it is. I never liked that one very much. The size just wasn't quite right and it wasn't my favorite color. What are you thinking?"

"What if we traveled into the future and auctioned it on Ebay? It might not be worth much in the 18th century but in the 21st century it would be a lot more valuable. A lot of people would want to own Capt. Tom's chamber pot."

"You go back to the 21st century and auction it. I want to stay here and talk to M. LePew. I will give you a letter of provenance so you can prove it belonged to me. I will also give you the co-ordinates so you can return here. I need to pay Blackbeard just $5,000 but remember, in the 18th century that was a lot of money. I would probably need at least 5 million in 21st century money, allowing for inflation and taxes. Then we would have to convert it to gold, chocolate, or bitcoins."

"What if we traveled farther into the future? Do you think it would be worth more in the 23rd century?"

"I'm not capable of doing that. To me, time is an amount of distance traveled.One rotation of the earth is 24 hours, an orbit of the sun is a year. It's all distances. The path it has traveled leaves a shadow of itself. I can only travel in that shadow. Now go, we don't have time to waste."

"I've received the co-ordinates from Capt. Tom."

"Force field and death ray are powered down. Course is plotted. Temporal vortex is forming at those co-ordinates."

"Capt. Tom, we'll be back with the money as soon as possible."

By Elvis

We're still orbiting above the bridge in Virginia with Capt. Tom. We're somewhere in the past but I'm not sure what year it is anymore. We also might be in a parallel dimension or universe or maybe even a bubble universe. We haven't figured it out yet. Anyway, we just finished another jump through the temporal vortex with Capt. Tom. He says we jumped a few more years ahead from where we were. He wants to check in on the skunk, M. LePew, who is managing the bridge for him. He was working on building a hotel there last I checked.

Maybe you remember a while ago I had dinner on Capt. Tom's ship. He gave me a nice plant in a planter to bring back with me. I'm just no good at keeping plants. The thing just flat out died on me. I didn't want the planter to go to waste so I brought it up to the control room. I figured at least I could put some ice and a keg in it. Sometimes it tastes better than the canned stuff.

"Where did that thing come from?"

"It's the planter that Capt. Tom gave me, the one that used to have a plant in it."

"That's not a planter. You have to remember that we're talking about something that came from the 18th century. That's a chamber pot."

"Do you think it's Thomas Jefferson's chamber pot? Would it be valuable?"

"You mean it's the pot he used if he didn't want to go to his outhouse?"

"It could be worth quite a lot. How many of them could there be? Maybe you can sell it on Ebay when we get back to our real timeline.

I've got Capt. Tom on the radio."

"Capt. Elvis, I have't been able to catch up with M. LePew yet. I'd like to get this hotel business straightened out so you can get on your way."

"No rush. We'll stay and help out if we can. I've just been working on writing a couple new songs."

"Really. I'd like to hear your new compositions. People in the future assume that I'd like baroque style music but I have a very diverse taste. I've even been known to listen to a little Snoop Dogg when I'm in the 21st century. Dum, diddy-dum, here I come."

"This is my newest one. It's been inspired by this little journey we're on. I call it Jefferson Has Bridge"

"Very sublime, I'm honored that you named it for me. Let me show you something I found just before we went into the past that I like very much."

"Excuse me, I've finally got M. LePew on the radio.

M. LePew, how is my hotel coming along?"

"Oh, Capt. Tom, so nice to talk to you again. The hotel, it is almost done. I'm sorry to say however, that I need more funds. It is costing about twice as much as we thought."

"I can not believe it. How is that possible? I was sure I allowed enough money for any eventuality."

"I just did as I've always done. I hire the first contractor that shows up and I pay them whatever they want. I don't worry if it costs twice as much as it should because, as we all know, you get what you pay for."

"M. LePew, I must honestly say that I'm almost out of money. I don't know what I can do. You will just have to wait until I can get more funds."

"Did you hear that? I can't believe it. What's wrong with that skunk?"

"Unbelievable. He's either getting kickbacks or he's just plain dumb as a box of rocks."

"We've got another ship approaching, coming in fast."

"How is that possible? We're probably still in the 18th century. Smitty, put it up on the big TV."

"It's in our database. The Queen Anne's Revenge. Blackbeard's ship."

Media associated with this episode:

Jefferson Has Bridge by Jim Straynge on Soundcloud

Tarja - Victim of Ritual - August 2013 - on YouTube

Tarja Turunen.com

Tarja - Colours in the Dark.com

By Elvis

The day after having dinner with Capt. Tom we adjusted our orbits so he could beam down Don LePew and Fangirl to his natural bridge in Virginia. Then Capt. Tom wanted to go searching for more natural bridges, especially in China, so we're headed over there now. In the meantime we've got to figure out a couple time travel related details.

"Astro, what's the deal with the tacos? Do you think the skunk invented them?"

"From what I can tell tacos have been around for a long time by 1789. Maybe they're new in Europe or America but I'm sure the skunk didn't invent them."

"So that was just a bunch of BS like all that other stuff he was talking about. He must have stolen his taco recipe from somewhere."

"He couldn't have done all those things. They all took place around the same time. If he was with Capt. Cook on his third voyage he couldn't have been in the colonies to write the Declaration of Indpendence."

"So this event with the tacos isn't a time anomaly and we don't have to worry about it changing the future. I'm still worried about this whole sceanario of sending the skunk to the bridge to make it world famous. Isn't that a deliberate attempt to change history?"

"It could be. We don't know enough about the actual events yet. If we find that what's happening with the bridge differs from recorded history we'll be facing another possible time anomaly."

"I can't help it, this kind of stuff still gives me a headache. I need another Budweiser. I'm just going to have to talk to him about this and find out what he's up to."

"We've been over China for a while now and he's on the horn so ask him."

"Capt. Elvis, I've located a couple more natural bridge formations. What do you think?"

"I'm working on a theory that these natural bridge formations are the result of a cave collapsing yet leaving the arch standing. Presumably they were the structually strongest part of the cave. I want to include the concept in some building designs."

"Hard to imagine that those were caves. Capt. Tom, I know you've been time travelling for quite a while but I'm worried about the skunk changing the future. What if he does something right and makes the bridge in Virginia a really big deal. And what if I never knew that I wrote a song about it or something?"

"Of course you're assuming that even though we've travelled back in time, we're still in the same universe or the same dimension. What if whatever happened here had no effect on the future you came from?"

"Geez, I only found out last year that there were eleven dimensions. How many are there really?"

"I'm not quite sure. More than I can count, perhaps an infinite number."

"I've seen this on TV. I remember some people sliding between parallel dimensions. One of them was a singer but he wasn't nearly as good as you, Capt."

"Or we could be in a bubble universe and he thinks that bubbles are parallel universes. There's so many theoretical propositions about this I don't know where to start. I'll have to study the ship's logs of our trip to this timeline. Maybe I can figure it out."

"I'm going to see if I can buy those bridges from somebody. I'm not even sure who to talk to about it and my chinese isn't very good. I want to go back and check on M. LePew in Virgina. We'll have to jump a few years into the future. I assume you're coming along?"

Oh yeah, we were going along. I wasn't going to take a chance on getting lost in the past in some parallel universe or dimension. Everybody knows this time travel stuff motivates me to have a Budweiser or two. This extra twist with the parallel worlds is going to require something stronger than that. I'm going to go through all our supplies and see what I can find. In the meantime we're going through the temporal vortex again.

"He's signalling that we've arrived. I'm monitoring his communication with the surface."

"Capt. Tom, so good to see you again. I have so much to tell you. We've made tremendous progress making the bridge world famous. My tacos have been attracting people from all over. Look at these pictures we're selling. Everyone thinks they are so futuristic. One for winter, one for summer. After all, we're here year round, not just in the good weather."

"M. LePew, those are very nice. I'd like the originals for my collection. Alas, I have bad news for you. I have been going over your profit & loss statements and they are not very good, not good at all. How is it that with the tacos you are selling and the beautiful pictures you are actually attracting fewer visitors than ever before?"

"Oh, Capt. Tom, I cannot believe it. You must be mistaken, I am sure. Even I can see that many hundreds of visitors is greater than many thousands.I do not have to be a mathematician when I can see with my own eyes that less is more. Oh, and by the way, even though less visitors are really more visitors I will need some more funds to get through the year."

"Very well. I have another idea. Since I want to attract visitors from all over the world, I have arranged for funding to build a hotel next to the bridge. I want you to see to this capital project. Please have it finished and ready to open in a year. Here are the plans."

"Oh, mon dieu, it is beautiful. Don't worry Capt. Tom, I will take care of everything. You don't have to worry. With this incredible addition to the property, we will truly become world famous and we will get even more visitors than ever before, I promise you."

Wow, that was some conversation. The skunk is attracting fewer visitors but he says it's really more. I don't know how that works. Sounds like a whole lot of shakin going on.  I had been wanting to get back to my own time and universe and dimension or whatever but this is getting more interesting every day. Think I'd like to stick around and see how this works out.

Available graphics from this episode:

Natural Bridge Virginia, Winter Post Card, approx 8x10 inches

Natural Bridge Virginia, Summer Post Card, approx 8x10 inches

Natural Bridge Virginia Hotel, 1920's Post Card, approx 8x10 inches