By Elvis

We're orbiting Earth and the woman calling herself Amelia Earhart is here with us. We just finished dinner that we beamed up from a KFC in Nevada. Capt. Earthart isn't real happy that she had to have fried chicken. I think she would have preferred a thickburger and fries. Maybe we'll pick up some of those later.

"Capt. Earhart, where are you going to land?"

 "Capt. Elvis, I need to pick up some things. My clothes are just about falling apart. I've been wearing the same outfit forever. And shoes, I really need some shoes. I need to find someplace with lots of stores but not in a populated area."

"You probably want an outlet mall. We've got some POIs in our GPS database. Smitty will send over a list for you. I think we're heading for Foamhenge. We have a secret underground base there. They can get our ship fixed up then we'll be heading back to Planet Zero."

 "I've got the list, thank you. It's been nice flying with you, Captain. I have to be off now. Maybe we'll fly together again someday."

I guess we could see her again, a lot of crazier things have happened to us. Now it's time to get down on the ground. We need to fix the ship and get supplied with some of life's necessities. I always wondered how space travelers get new stuff. Do they go to stores? Do they get things delivered? I don't think UPS or FEDEX delivers to space yet. We're running low on a lot of things. If we couldn't get supplies on Earth we'd be in real trouble.

"I've got Foamhenge on the line, she's up on the big TV."

"Foamhenge, this is Capt. Elvis. We need clearance to land."

 "This is Teejay, Capt. Elvis. I see you floating high above the confines of this wondrous Earth. You may approach us from over the hill where the oxen roamed so many years ago but you must wait until the moon is at it's highest point in the night sky."

"Huh? Is our translator broken?"

"Translator is online. Reporting no translation required, she's speaking English. Maybe it's a local dialect."

"Ok, we'll wait until the moon is high in the sky. Listen, Teejay, hon, we need a few things. Toilet paper for one. I don't mean the cheap stuff. We need the softest you can get. I'd say we need 100 cases of it. Do we get a quantity discount?"

"No way, we don't have room for that much. Don't forget we need trash bags, soap, paper towels, not to mentiion food."

"Right. How about Mexican food? Teejay, can we get some Mexican food too? And we need some frozen and canned for the trip home. How about a dozen cases of Bud, and about 6 cases of Jim Beam? Can you get moonshine around here?"

"Dry cleaning too. We have a load of dirty laundry to send out. What about some new clothes, at least socks and underwear?"

 "I am but one humble caretaker of our realm here. You ask so much and you have filled my mind with so many wants and desires. I fear I can not recall all that you need. Pray tell me as if seated around the fire at night awaiting slumber. You will say to me only a thing at one time and I will endeavor to appease."

This won't be as easy as I'd hoped. Night finally came and we're making our approach to Foamhenge. We have to go in vertical. I hate that because you're strapped into the seat with your head facing up and your butt facing down and there's no way to get up and walk around. I'll feel better once we're down on the ground.

By just call me P-Min

The next few days will be the highlight of our political convention here on Mars. There's still a lot of hard work to do. There's a lot of policy that needs to be discussed and we have to fine tune our campaign marketing. My staff are going over printed materials, photos, and scripts for commercials to get our message out to as many people as possible.

After all, there's a lot of potenital voters who don't know much about the issues and will make a decision based on the looks of the candidates. We'll have a big advantage with those folks too. I put a lot of thought into picking my vice presidential running mate. Everybody on my short list was a worthy contender but there could be only one. I'm announcing now that my VP running mate will be Nikita, the real one.

People tell me all the time that I have a pleasing appearance for humans and I should get a favourable response from female voters. I'll accept that and assume that I'm the best looking male presidential candidate. Nikita should garner the same favourable response with male voters so we'll have the best looking ticket in the presidential race. We'll have all our bases covered since we clearly have the best policies.

Before joining me here on Mars, Nikita was already working on advancing our political programs. Maybe you saw her on the late night talk shows. In addition she has been working on negotiating crucial trade agreements with other countries, especially ones who are interested in adopting our Chocolate Standard economic policy.

I know I should wait for my professional staff to complete their marketing plans but I have some of my own ideas. I came up with a couple slogans that should cover our strongest areas of appeal. How about this one - "P-Min and Nikta are the best, Our policies are better than the rest". Another one I like - "Roses are red, violets are blue, P-Min's real cute and Nikita is too". Memorable, honest, and to the point. That's what we're all about.

Once again it's time to check on the polls. All my policies have been well accepted so far and my position on space exploration has proved to be popular. I can say that I'm now the single most popular candidate. I expect to get another boost from my selection of Nikita as my running mate. There's still a ways to go to get over the 50% hurdle.

It's been another hard day or work, especially thinking up those slogans. Time to go enjoy our evening's entertainment. We had a great response to Tarja Turunen and she has agreed to stay a little longer. A huge number of people have shown up and we had to move the show outside.

Videos in this episode:

Tarja Turunen with Filharmoni Bohuslava Martinu Zlin - Live at Masters of Rock - Vizovice, Czech Republic - July 2010

In For a Kill - on YouTube

I Walk Alone - on YouTube

Interview - on YouTube

TarjaTurunen.com   Tarja-Act1.com

By Elvis

We've been trying to get ourselves back into our right time for a quite a while. We ran into a woman calling herself Amelia Earhart who says we can get back to our timeline by passing through a time/space distortion at the edge of Earth's solar system. My ship, the sarge's Goa'uld ship, and Amelia's Lockheed are lined up and getting ready to go. My ship has battle damage from the big fight at Gliese 581g so this is going to be tricky.

"Sarge, are you going first?"

 "Might as well. Capt. Elvis, if you're ever in Cleveland, look me up. I might still be around."

"He's going in, are we next in line?"

 "Capt. Elvis, you go next, I'll follow you in. We should come out together."

The thing that worries me is that we still have structural problems with the ship. Parts of it are held together with duct tape and bubble gum. Of course the force field helps out some. If it gets real rough we could just come apart.

"Punch it Astro, let's get outa here."

"Engine is revved up for 23,952 times light speed. Brakes off, we're rolling."

"We're in it now. Instruments are off the scale. Does anyone know how we pop out of here?"

"I forgot to ask. Astro, do you know how to get out of this thing?"

"Plotted course should put us out through the edge in another 87 seconds."

We were hitting some turbulence and starting to shake all over. I could really use a Colt 45 right about now but we're all out of anything good to drink. I sure hope this works because I can't wait to hit a liquor store on Earth.

"We're out of it, still in one piece too. I'm getting a fix on our position -  I've got Earth on the scanner. We'll be coming up on it in a minute."

"I'll put us in orbit. Wow, there's all kinds of junk around the planet. Might not be so easy to find a clear spot to hang in for a while. Capt. Earhart's still with us, she's following us in."

"What's that on the screen? It looks like Col. Sanders.Can we stop here for a minute and get something to eat? Astro, what do you want?"

"I've got them on the line. They'll take our credit card. I want the extra crispy, what about you guys?"

"I want the grilled, that fried stuff is too hard on my stomach."

"Smitty, get us 3 of the biggest buckets. One original for me, one grilled for Astro, and get one extra crispy for you. Make sure we get biscuits and cole slaw with those. How about something to drink, do they have beer?"

"Got it, everything except the beer. Maybe we can find a drive through when we go over New Orleans. I've got the co-ordinates, can we beam it up?"

 "Capt. Elvis, I've been monitoring your communications. Did you get some for me? I don't have a credit card."

By just call me P-Min

We're still here on Mars having our political convention. Just a few days ago the NASA Curiosity Rover landed not too far from our Martian facility. This seemed like a good opportunity to take a break from the economic issues and deal with something more fun like my plans for space exploration.

It was quite an accomplishment to fly the cute little rover from Earth to Mars considering the current state of space exploration technology in the United States. It touched down when Mars was 154 million miles from Earth. The trip took about 8 1/2 months. The distance from Earth to Puto, the farthest planet, is on average about 4 billion miles. To keep it simple, to fly a rover to Pluto, it would take close to 18 years if it traveled at the same speed as Curiosity. So a round trip would take over 35 years. Not much chance of sending some people there. What if you wanted to take a trip to the Invisible Galaxy, which is 12.9 billion light years from Earth?

One answer is to travel very much faster than the speed of light. Other answers might be to fold space or to travel through wormholes. Maybe you could do all of these things. That's how I got from Planet Zero in the Invisible Galaxy to Mars. It sure gets easier when you have a spaceship that can go a zillion times the speed of light like I do. So I thought I'd take a little trip over to see Curiosity for myself and lay out my plans for space exploration during my first term as president.

All those space ship captains you see on TV have to worry about giving too much technology to less tech savvy civilizations. I worry about that too. I've noticed that those guys, especially Capt. Picard, could find a way around those rules if they really wanted to. So it's only fair that I do the same. Once I'm president I will make sure that within 2 years the United States will have faster than light space travel capability. First we'll build a small ship and take a trip to Mars. Should only take a few minutes. Within 4 years we'll build a fancier ship and take a trip to Pluto, the farthest planet in the solar system. A nice leisurely trip might take a couple hours.

We're going to need this technology to make my economic plan work. The other candidates are worrying about things like taxes, expenses, entitlements. I've got a whole different plan that I'll let you in on after I pick my vice presidential running mate. Just so the press doesn't go too nuts in their speculation on who it might be, I'll give you my short list right here and I'll tell you what their pluses and minuses are.

Flash Gordon

Positives - Experience dealing with other civilizations. Familiar with Mars, could lead our first mission. Good at taking initiative and solving complex problems.

Negatives - Possible scandalous relationship with Dale Arden.

Tarzan

Positives - Should be popular with animal lovers.

Negatives - Unconventional living arrangement with Jane. Where did Boy come from anyway? Is he possible kidnap victim?

The Real Nikita

Positives - Familiar with internal politics of government organizations. Comfortable negotiating with heads of state.

Negatives - Haven't thought of any yet.

I'll make my final decision pretty soon. I'm sure we'll see a thorough analysis of all the contenders in the news. Time to look at the polls again. My policy on the Chocolate Standard was another boost to my popularity. I'm closing in but there's still a long way to go.

Today's trip to visit the Curiosity Rover was a welcome break from the hard work of forming economic policy. Now I'm tired from having so much fun. Time to get back to the ballroom of our Martian facility and catch tonight's entertainment. This act was highly recommended by Elvis. Tarja is his favorite human entertainer and he'd like to hear her do one of his songs some day. This is her first time playing on Mars.

Videos in this episode:

Tarja Turunen - Into The Sun - Live at Teatro El Círculo - Rosario, Argentina - March 2012 - on Tarja-Act 1

Tarja Turunen - Damned and Divine - Live at Metal Female Voices Fest 7 - Wieze, Belgium - Oct 2009 - on YouTube

By Elvis

We're still out here at the edge of Earth's solar system getting ready to follow the supposed Amelia Earhart back into our correct timeline. Sounds crazy to me too but I don't see any other choice. We're looking to get back to Earth year 2012. From there we'll decide what to do next.

"Sarge, my math isn't too good but if you knew about Pluto in the 1930's, how come it was news to her?"

 "I don't know. Maybe she's not from the time she claims or maybe she just doesn't read the newspapers. Jeez, for all we know she could be made out of smoke."

"Capt. Earhart, where are we heading?"

 "There are several space/time distortions at the edge of the solar system. We have to find the closest one. I have a method of calculating the speed and duration needed to fly through the distortion and exit in a specific time. I learned it from Fred, he's the best celestial navigator around. I'm transmitting the formulas to you."

"I've got them. I haven't seen this kind of thing before so I'll need time to check it out."

"There's an anomoly on my long range scans, it could be the type of distortion she's talking about."

Astro and Capt. Earhart and me had a little tete a tete and confirmed the location of the space/time distortion. We're all headed there now. Astro isn't sure of the formulas. Whatever this thing is, we have to fly through it at a certain speed for a certain length of time and then pop out. There's one variable we're not real sure about - our current timeline. We just know we fell into the past while caught in the event horizon of a black hole. We can guess how many years we need to go forward but nothing's for sure. As we all know, this type of thing has usually resulted in something going wrong for us. Let's just hope for the best. Miracles, I guess, still happen now and then.

 "We're here, it's dead ahead, do you see it?"

"We're coming up on it, it's up on the big TV."

"Ok, let's stop here for a while. Astro, what's the deal?"

"It's a time/space distortion, just like she says. We're going to have to enter at 23,952 times the speed of light for 2 minutes 49 seconds, then pop out. That should put us in 2012. I can't confirm the formulas are right."

"Sarge, have you done your calculations? What year are you shooting for?"

 "I have to be at a higher speed than you and I'll pop out after a longer time. Maybe I should go in first. I'm going to shoot for August 1945. If the war's not over by then maybe I can speed it up a little."

"Capt. Earhart, what are your intentions?"

 "Capt. Elvis, since I am here talking to you, I'm assuming you and I are in the same Earth year, whatever it is. I'll go with you to 2012. I've seen too much out here to return to my own time. Nobody would believe it. Flash Gordon hadn't even gone to Mars yet."

That woman gets me scratching my head at times. First she doesn't know Pluto had been discovered in 1930, then she does know when Flash Gordon first went to Mars. It doesn't make any sense. I'm real concerned about this little operation. If we get through this and end up getting back to Earth in 2012, I'm going to get a big bucket of fried chicken.